Lack Of Violet Embers

hate. it's such a strong word.

so why not use dislike? or i don't love? I'm sure people respond much better to those than 'hate'.

If I yelled out 'I HATE YOU' to your face, I'm sure it'd hurt much more than if I were to yell out, 'I DISLIKE YOU'. Actually, to be honest, I can only picture a gentle, British woman doing that (think the Queen). No one else would bother to censor their emotions. But all that shouldn't matter, simply because I am more interested in the complete opposite. The concept of love:)

Toilet doors are quite entertaining. Especially when you know you're going to be in there for a long run. Most of the writings are amusing, some are full of spite, a few talk about their desires of "romping James Hudson" and there are of course, the ones that don't make any sense, "Yo mama's so fat, she had to lose weight" ...?!

Then there are the serious ones. The ones about suicide, love&war, abuse and sexual confusion. It's saddening to think that they have to write on toilet doors to feel 'heard'. Yet comforting to see that there are people who make sure their voices are heard, and respond 'lovingly', gathering from their own traumatic experiences.

My favourite door was one about love. It wasn't the d&m type of love that everybody tries to explain, but rather, the simple loves. "I love a hot coffee in the morning", "I love waking up next to my boyfriend", "I love watching my children play hide & seek", and the list went on, with different markers adding into the chorus of what they loved.

It was a strange feeling though. I mean there I was, sitting on a toilet in a public setting and reading anonymous scribble, yet I felt 'happy'. It was just one of those nice, unexplainable moments where you feel like there is hope. Like when a hot guy winks at you. Or when the sun shines on you. I just loved the fact that everyone seemed to love something:)

And so I would like to ask you this: What are your simple loves?

I love laughing 'til I can't bear to laugh anymore

I love dancing in my room

I love finding the clothes I want on sale

I love having a really good conversation

I love reading/watching/listening to things that strike a chord in my heart:)

Even giants fall

mediocrity. if it's such an ugly thing, why do we live it?

there are only two answers I see fit:
1. we're too scared to try harder
2. it's not mediocrity, but rather what was once 'the best', is simply, no longer the best.

A man once compared me to a violin. I was a sensitive being, with my finely tuned strings. With one pluck, I could make the sweetest note. But with this sensitivity came a curse of being too easily broken, too emotionally needy, just too much to handle. However, that wasn't the point of his revelation. In fact, the last words he spoke to me were that I was still 'yet to play a beautiful song'.

That happened two years ago. There are days where I feel like the notes of the song are being composed onto a page. It started off with a G, then a C, another C and lastly an E, prettily decorated with a staccato. All in compound triple & the key of E major may I add. But then there are days marred with a drought of melodies- my inability to 'live'.

Recently, these days seem to be never ending. I wouldn't call it self-pity, nor would I call it depression. I would however, call it, 'frustration at my mediocre life'. It's not that I find med school to be all that tedious, in fact it's quite the opposite. It's a subject that requires an insatiable appetite for knowledge, a somewhat desperation to want to excel, a perverted mind? (with the naked bodies and all). And I most definitely lack the former two.

I craveeeee for the notes to appear in my life again. I crave so much for 'doing something big' and for 'changing the world'. I dream big yet do so little. But I guess there a lot more important things than impacting people we don't know. Like, impacting the people we do know?! And making the most of what we have. Sooooo oversaid, but so under-done.

God made a promise with me. And all I have to do is continue writing that song. Note by note, day by day. I guess even Schumann, Bach and Handel wasted parts of their life writing rubbish notes. But at least they kept trying.

stamp your feet on the ground

make it really loud,

make it big and sound.